your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.