FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
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We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
sugar glider wrangler
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason