This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.