No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*