“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
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Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
what do you want!!!!!!!!
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Are we there yet?…
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
crochet youtube is brutal
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’