At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.