[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.