Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
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her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Banking tips
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Natty or not?
i love meeting boys on tinder
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.