Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”