*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
#DesignFail
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses