*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
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the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
When the stylist spins you back around
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself