any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
You Might Also Like
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars