*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
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[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
jesus christ confetti not now
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke