Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.