In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed