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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?