My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
multitasking lunch
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.