There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
The happy life.. 😊
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED