Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
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“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.