Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
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*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The French word for sex is croissant.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”