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The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing