Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?