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What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Doggies just call it style.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.