I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
You Might Also Like
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.