Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot