♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus