Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
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The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.