HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
don’t we all
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try