People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
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If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
(Jupiter –
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?