Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
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Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
going to the ER y’all need anything
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u