what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
one last job
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.