*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
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My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse