Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
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I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Don’t we all.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah