Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
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Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Body by Oreos
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands