The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
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I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Never let them know your next move 😂
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine