Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
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THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage