how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
This probably isn’t good