I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.