Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
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Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.