Do you want to taunt a snowman?
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[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
No. He’s not coming out to play
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
This fish is cracking me up
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”