I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Hmmmmm
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Passwords are more important than ever.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”