Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.