You Might Also Like
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.