Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
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No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
this chia pet tastes awful
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.