Actually cracking up @ this
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Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.