My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
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When news reporters do sports stories
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement