IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
me refusing to leave twitter
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.