12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
You Might Also Like
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
The struggle is real
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.