Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
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Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best