Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
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Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Do not steal food from the science building!
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me trying to look natural in photos
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days